Catching up in February

It has been a while since I was in here. My lack of energy and enterprise seems to have a reason however.

After I complained of pain in my testicles and bad pain in my chest the doctor sent me over to the nuclear medicine place at Toukley (PPR Diagnostic Imaging). It took a few visits. Doctors seem happy to put complaints about pain into the range of phantom symptoms way too easily. I do not complain until I am bent over double from pain at least several times.

The testicle scan showed stones! Yes, STONES> Did you know you could get stones in your dangles. I didn’t. They also have cysts. None of which is treatable apparently although all is painful. More vectors for pain in a body that is generally wracked with damage from head to toe. Ah well. There was no cancer which had been big concern!

There was also a type of scan on my heart. They pump you full of stuff (I forgot the term) and photograph your heart on a big machine. Then They exercise you, rest you, pump in more stuff and photograph the heart again.

I have Artery disease and some of the arteries are almost closed. Isn’t that fatal if you are not careful? The heart showed signs of damage also. Apparently that indicates heart attacks. I have been saying for years that I have had about four and been hospitalized as well but treated like a drug seeking junkie rather than someone in genuine distress. It didn’t just threaten to end my life it was distressing and undignified. I said to myself that I survived them by being too tough to just drop dead but nothing can prevent the damage I guess. That condition explains why I am unable to break free of the chronic fatigue. Some of the lack of energy is down to blood not getting through.

There is a specialist appointment in about a week. My doctor tells me the choices are full, chest-splitting surgery. Or a device that is run through the arteries to clear them, a shunt I think, or more medicines. The latter is just a slow death I suspect. .

There are other things happening. I have been doing a lot of drawing. Mostly it is A3 size and barely doodle art. I am still fighting to find the ability to visualize complex images and am failing. It is better than it was. The drawings are being spat out at the strongest rate I have been able to produce in years. I am going with it. Not worrying about one dimensional content or the childlike style, just letting the making of marks and the image creation take me where it will. The fact that work is being produced is a big change. There is also the fact that rather than being the chore it has been for the last few years it has become something that has all the beauty I used to find in the process of drawing before I was so ill. That alone is something of wonder. A special thing I was suffering for having been unable to revisit!

The last few days have been miserable for everyone with the heat at 40C and over. The house stayed well above it and I felt I was fighting for my life a couple of times. At the time that seemed a bit precious and over- stated but now that I know about the heart condition I think that whatever sub-conscious impulse it came from was correct.

I have stories pending and just need to find the energy to compile and write them. Need to do it before I forget them

You must be logged in to post a comment.