Wabbit, Easter image from the Grim City series of felt tip pen drawings

After years of being almost prone from fighting depression pain and chronic fatigue a bunch of things have changed. The drugs they gave me after the angoigram helped me back to my feet even before the second round of angioplasty where they put in stints and generally cleaned the plaque out of the arteries. There still seems to be a strong tendency towards depression although not as often and it is easily recognized. A lot of people thought I would spring to my feet now that there is more oxygen circling my body. It is true that I am thinking more clearly and coping far better than I would have thought possible. My body is still diabetic and disabled so no springing to my feet!

It has been a lot easier to work on drawings and paintings. Some of the newly released oxygen flows are to the brain as ideas are flowing almost carelessly where once I had to fight to get even one coherent design. There are six of the twelve Grim City drawings done already. Just a few months back I would have struggled for some time to visualize and create a single one of them. They show the effects of years of not making much art and memory losses. I decided to just not judge myself and draw as the only way to become comfortable drawing is to do it until it hurts. Funnily enough I have actually had blisters on my fingers from the pen work in some of these drawings. And a very welcome blister it was too! If I was any happier to be getting some work finished I would be standing on the street yelling and crying. For now a big smile and this blog entry will have to be enough. I am still very ill and it is still all a battle, a battle with some result now though!

I have limited the Grim City series to black and white absolute with no shadow or texture. The next series will be a lot more complex but I am enjoying the purity of not complicating the image or idea. The next drawing will probably be the Grim City Santa

I have planned three dragonfly paintings. Looking at the size of the images and researching dragonflies I think I will be doing some serious studies in pencil on paper. I may work them as though to be finished art and try to get them to a commercial quality on good paper. It’s worth the exercise. The paintings will be acrylic on canvas using a lot of 3d texture and perhaps using light beneath colors although that may be technically beating myself over the head. The large shell painting and the even larger Lakes Hotel Painting sit awaiting some sign of mental competence and some new technical skill so I can get them to finished. The Lakes one has been around since I got ill again years ago. It looks it may be a painting of note if I don’t wreck it by working on it while my mind is fogged as it has been for so long now. I will avoid comment on how dismal it has been fighting this illness and feeling the loss of the creative talent. I did not lose the spark of creativity. It has been there driving me to despair. It was just the energy to work and the ability to hold a visualized image that was missing. Torment most foul!

There is more. A number of other canvasses beckon but I am actually pulling back some effort. I still get very ill after a few hours of effort and have to force myself to stop. With chronic fatigue backed up by disability and diabetes the effects are compounded. If I work until I am exhausted, as I like to do, the next day sees me helplessly exhausted and ill in ways that could be dangerous. It can weaken me right back to where I am unable to cook  and depression sets in and confusion. It is pretty awful. Anyway, pacing myself is fine. I am excited to be moving forwards and making more than the occasional bad painting. Actually I am depressed. Really deeply depressed. And excited. And passionate. This is what happens when I get tired. Pain levels are way up and I want to ignore it all and move on to the next painting while the idea is hot. But. Rest. I can research dragonflies and sleep a bit I guess