This morning was spent listening to loud music and howling at the sky. I lost it very badly and although things are quieter that is more because I am too exhausted to keep it up. I feel overwhelming rolling clouds of hate crawling up my spine.

Last night was partially spent looking into rental properties and so far there is nothing in my price range that is more than a single room. I will lose all of my work and tools and supplies and furniture and probably most of my clothes and bedding as well. Does this Danielle Cosgrove  really think her need to win one over me is worth destroying my entire life and even contributing to my untimely death? These warm and caring people who are not parasites (edited at the request of Ray White Budgewoi) have far too much power in our lives and I am really busting inside over the trials I am facing in the future. Mum has started to crash emotionally also and I fear for her. My best outcome might be an early death while mum is still whole enough to cope with it. It is very unlikely that I will end up getting my life back on track or even find enough health to get any quality of life back once the move starts. I am having to think of things like this now. This morning I almost tipped over the edge although on many levels I actually did and am beyond return to any state of peace. Headache, pain, depression, actual physical pressure from the emotional stress.

Like I said, certain people of unmentionable heritage have far too much power over  other people

I started to clean a few things out. Realising that I am not likely to end this process with anything like a quality of life I have approached rubbish removal by chucking things I do not want into the driveway. I almost said I do not give a shit but there is some small satisfaction listening to things clatter across the concrete and watching sheets of paper blow about the lawn after working so hard to keep every small thing on this property in good condition. I might get to like this sense of destruction too much yet. The estate agent has suggested if I find a place they will give me a reference. They are thinking I still view myself as having something to lose in all of this and will thus refrain from going ape shit. What exactly do they think I am going to have that warrants their hope on that count?

Physically I am too tired to get back to my feet but my whole body is ringing like a bell and my feet want to pace to stop my head going crazy. There is a big pain in my chest and I guess there is a chance that chest pain may suddenly take all the doubt out of this. If I thought there was anything anyone could do about this awful bundle of emotion I would call for help but there isn’t any is there!. Maybe the title of this post should have been Cracking, rather than crashing!