There was a phone call from a girl called Tammy. You can see how much of this blog is about depression and my very real struggle with it. Someone handed some information about this blog and the depth of my despair to a group called Mental Health Telephone Access Line and they rang me to check that I did not need immediate help and that I had people caring for me.

At first I was really pissed and also a bit concerned that a stranger had my details from the blog but I had her hang up, checked that the organisation existed and rang them back. As I did all that I realised this is one of the services I have been complaining did not exist! Tammy tells me it is a new service and now that I have thought about it I am delighted. It will not save my brother Robby or all of my friends who have already lost battles to despair but it may cut back the carnage and lessen the destruction of other young families in the future

I think I will include a link in my Blog roll of links and if you feel you are going down that awful dark hallway it may be a life rope for you. Other things have happened today but I will make another entry tonight or tomorrow morning. The people who rang me are from the Central Coast as well which is where this stuff is needed right now

Mental Health Telephone Access Line. 1800 011 511 the website

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Mensline 1300 78 9978

The person who called Tammy did the right thing and I need to explain a few things about all of this. I have help. The people who are helping me are passionate and compassionate. I write about them but then remove the entry as I am unsure how far they want to be known for what they do. I also do not know if everything they do is safe to post online. My words could be misread and they could find someone can harm them.

I have a great doctor as well. Here is the rub. There are illnesses and conditions from which one does not recover. I am fighting several of those. There are painful injuries which never lose their painfulness or the limitations they place on our lives. I face several of those. At some point where pain is always there, well, even with medication it is always there.

The events of the last few weeks have been barbaric and added immense burdens and stresses to all the others already working in my life. For the time being I have lost the certainty that I will even have somewhere to live in a few weeks. Beyond that I have lost the promise that I will have a place to make art or even breath freely. People are working to take these things from me. The red queen is alive an well in my life right now. Even if the doctors could soak my head in happy juice and make me so stoned that I babbled happily all day eventually I have to face the possibility of losing everything in the near future and that horror is filtered through all of the other things that challenge my ability to be alive or to have a quality of life.

If you look at the images on the blog posts you will see some of them are humorous, some of them are beautiful things from my world or small and amazing things. Some of them are the art I am so passionate about. They are there so you know I am still in here. The world still has beauty and challenges that are clean and feel good. That is the message. You cannot escape the pain. There are nights and weeks so dark your soul howls with its need to be free of the weight of it. Then there are moments and days and even years when in the background is splendour.

Thank you for ringing Tammy and keep up the good work. Others need you!