Finding things like that in my yard lift the spirits

This is the bit that makes my stomach hurt. Over the next few weeks or days my life is very vulnerable and in the hands of others. In order to hang onto my tenancy and perhaps what is left of my quality of life I have to pass through this fire of judgement. That would be stressful without all of the difficult health and mental issues but here is one that makes me cringe. Somewhere between here and the point I need to reach to survive is at least one, and probably more, people who find my Jewish surname a challenge. They see it as something they need to do something about. My forward progress needs to be retarded because despite the fact that I am not Jewish I sound like one of the people who killed Christ or are running the evil things in the world from behind the scenes as they see it.

Most of them will not raise their voices and make mad claims or write pamphlets and fliers against the Jews, or those who seem like they might be Jews, they will simply make my paperwork stick to the inbox on their desk instead of sliding through in a normal time. They will raise doubt about any part of my claims in a seemingly sensible way when they would have let a Smith or an Archer or any other anglo name go through without comment despite being in the same situation. It might be enough to make all my efforts worthless and lose me the case. Someone who does not have issues will just see normal process. They will see the hesitation as perhaps indicating there is some need for caution and they will join in the little work to rule and use extra caution effort. Any easy win will become a hard fought battle where I seem to be tardy and uncaring in some element of my preparation. A hard fought battle will be lost when it might have scraped through. There is never any proof because we all know better than to trumpet our prejudices about the office.

To all those Jewish people who cringe at my denial of the Jewish line in my blood I am not denying it. The fact is that I am fifth generation Australian and most of the people in my lineage are Anglo-Celtic. I never even knew my name was a Jewish surname until late in my teens. Most of my life I was mystified by the venom some people put into their interactions with me and when I wore a few swastikas as part of my motorbike regalia back when I was a rebellious teen the reactions were unexpected to say the least. There were many things I didn’t understand about the things that happened as I grew up. I would be quite proud of my Jewish ancestors especially now that I know what a cruel life this place, and all places, offered them. I have always been struck by the fact that at the same time as the Jews were having their lives destroyed so were the people of Scotland being thrown from their homes to make room for sheep and the Irish from theirs for similar reasons. The one thing that I find in all of these people is the need to hunt down unfairness and prejudice before it festers and become policy in some government. And before you all go off and don your Australian flags for Australia day you need to understand that the unfairness the migrants had shared in their home countries was weighted into the way they were treated here. This country was run by people from the ruling classes who felt many of the immigrants were enemy combatants. Anyway I verge on a rant right there!

Challenging someone’s decisions will enrage them and serve to hasten their efforts to damage whatever of my efforts they are resisting. It is possible the extra mile that the Estate Agent has gone to in causing me harm and the vicious disregard of my health situation might be stemming from just that kind of prejudice although, as I said, no one will ever be able to prove it and they have enough other reasons to look at me as a problem. With these guys I am pretty sure the fact that a lowly tenant questioned their office practices and stood by his rights will be enough to enrage them. They really think they are among life’s aristocrats!

I really dread the next few months. When it comes, it comes out of left field as they say and the first you know you have been…well, you might never know. Things will just seem to have turned to shite in the normal parade of events. There are enough people who throw up problems in life to miss the ones who do it on purpose. So far though all the people involved in helping me with this problem have been outstanding. The various authorities have been very much on top of their game. It is years since I have to go out into the world like this and I wonder if the newer generations of workers and authorities have less members who feel prejudice in the way that used to make life such a difficult tussle. It feels very different. It feels as though people I am dealing with are working with me instead of that feeling I used to get where some people I depended on just felt as though they begrudged me every effort and I was some sort of unwanted and unpleasant thing they were forced to face. It really felt that way.

I just wanted to be safe here. I didn’t want to be sick from toxins or get robbed because some business had my life in some unsafe file and now I am facing all this again. Yes I am bloody miserable. I am not going to pretend that my stomach doesn’t ache from stress and my body doesn’t ache from the effort or that I desperately need this to stop so I can rest. Self pity it may be but well earned and in the face of losing my home and the efforts of the last near-decade I have every right to be miserable.

We are off to the bike and mobility aid repair shop to get the tire fixed today. I will stop into the art store and grab some cable to hang the drawings so they all have the same stuff on the back of the frame. The documents for the tribunal can go into the mail. I am not sure if I have enough money as they have to be sent registered post and signed for. It all costs more and I have just ploughed through every dollar I have had including grocery money for things like printer ink. Then I might iron my clothes and my case worker wants me to look for a new place to live and pack a little. I am a great big guy and I am so bloody overwhelmed with all I need to do on top of being ill that I want to sit on my fat arse and cry. This all hurts dammit! If I stop I lose everything.

There is paperwork I need from the bank to fill out the application for legal aid. I have been waiting about three weeks for it to turn up. Some documents turned up today. They were the ones I already have! Looking good so far! Not.

I still cannot get more than a few minutes of reliable connection at a time from my ISP and it looks as though the usb connection to the modem is wearing out. The weak link of a lot of things is these usb connections, make that five times, it did it twice more and the connection is not holding more than a minute or so. WTF Dodo?