March 2019

I was proud of myself a week or so ago. I managed to make some good gesso using the bottom of a can of some low quality matt house paint. (500ml left) Then some glazing medium 350ml and 500g of calcite. It works very well and two of the large stretchers have been recovered with heavy canvas and finished with gesso. The canvas I fell through has been repaired but that will be given another covering of the heavier canvas also. That is the largest one at about 1.5m on the long side and the surface will be a gender exercise built out of mediums and containing homage to Picasso and some Tao cloud calligraphy bringing magical feminine energy. I hesitate to do it as I have to store it here and female magic wears hard on my male mind

Painting the gesso on a medium canvas in the shower space

There is a drawing started in the kitchen and although it took hours the drawing space is cleared with possibly a chance to rejoin the group doing scientific illustration again. That had to be dropped while the heat stole all my energy and literally left me staring at walls and soaked in perspiration for weeks. It was too hot.

That bunch of chores left me tired and then another round of hot days wiped me out again. It is very frustrating! I can see everyone else charging on making wonderful images while I sit here in the heat too ill to do more than gnash my teeth and watch my skills decline again.

Yesterday I managed to get into a shower, iron my cloths and head out to the supermarket despite the heat. Ironing some clothes is a big jump forward. Quite often the last of my energy prior to hopping on the mobility scooter and heading off goes to getting those big shoes over the swollen feet. It was excellent to have clothes which were ironed and I wore one of the big flowing tshirts with longer raglan sleeves to celebrate. The heat is great when you are out in it with the right clothes. It still clobbers my heart unfortunately although it may just be negotiating life in this broken and twisted body causes it to overwork. “Bah” say I wishing it was simple as “bah”.

On arrival home I collapsed into bed as usual and am struggling for energy all day today. That is another tooth gnashing frustration but has been the normal outcome after a big day. I am consoled to believe tomorrow may be a better day and this lumpy lard ass body will let me make something further.

The drawing space overwhelmed by clutter after a summer too hot to achieve anything not involving perspiration

There is a large store of drawings and a couple of large canvases which have not been finished due to things like the heat in past summers taking over the option to work on them and I keep reminding myself they are there. When all this is finished it will become a good body of work. When I sit in the hard chair sucking back pain and shaking during all those bad days I despair that I waste the last life I am being given and will die before anything is finished.

The preparation for winter begins. There is a pair of slipper socks in the mail somewhere to keep my feet toasty. The big fur lined boots need replacing. They keep my feet warm all winter and help me with pain so I will find the money somehow. Perhaps sell some bits and pieces.

The apartment must remain fully open to the air to prevent my chemical aversion from choking me. It is a condition that probably causes as much of the energy loss as the heart disease and based on asthma attacks is always borderline dangerous in this small apartment. In order to heat the space so I can work on art this year I will try some butane camp heaters. They chew up the gas and can kill you in a closed building but none of that will affect this place. It will be good to not lose all that time during the really brutal nights of the winter.

The down quilt seems to have lost some warmth. I obtained a very good one years ago during all those sell offs when the retail market crashed. It was about $200 and valued more than twice that. It has served me well but I noticed last winter it was not as warm and I had to add another one over the top and then more. It may be that it has been dry-cleaned every year and the duck down may break and fail. I don’t know how I will afford that either. The fluffy pyjama pants bought last winter have lost their warmth and are just thick cotton. I would buy good quality things if only they were available even if they cost a lot. Even the fleece track pants are thinner and a bit nasty after a winter’s wash and wear.

There is nothing from NDIS, no assistance with the psychiatric problems, no word on my request for a chair to support my damaged spine and pelvis while drawing. Twitter, Facebook and ABC News feed get a lot of my attention but it is the same thing over and over. People are triggered by the same fears throughout life. They believe the same erroneous myths and demand to be attended by laws upholding the same delusions. It gets difficult to watch. I struggle with the one sided power of feminism and hope that pendulum will roll back the other way and those fearful women will end trying to emasculate men to create the illusion they are safe. I don’t mean they aren’t safe. I mean it is an illusion to pretend punishing desperate men will create better outcomes than fixing the social pressures on low income families. Domestic violence is a systemic failure to intrude on collapsing lives long before they entropy. Even bunny rabbits fight when you take their options for flight or recovery

Elections  cometh and with them come the clouds of flying manure used to hide actual issues. The state government makes a massive issue out of spending hundreds of millions on a sporting venue. They hide from homeless hordes and they hide from social housing which channels taxpayer’s money through welfare recipients and into the sweaty paws of corporations and property investors. We used to own social housing. That money is ours and those properties should be forming the basis for our national quality of life.

A demand came from the Electoral Commission demanding I sign up and it came on my email. I sent back a letter demanding who the f**k  told them they could use my email. It could have been a phish though. They have been rolling in constantly on one of the emails I use to hide behind. I am not telling which one. It isn’t used for anything nasty. I am just paranoid.

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