Something has been wrong. Something has been eating at me for months. I did everything I could to visit my mother and lost that airfare to Jetstar although I have not wanted to try and do anything about that. That was on the credit card and is paid for now. Something has been gnawing at me just beyond consciousness. I have been very ill as well. This last week in particular there has not been the energy to do more than lay on the sofa and stare at the floor most of the time. That is depressing enough. I had one day where the emotion sunk low and fast as though I had lost something precious but I couldn’t tell what it was. My mother has been looking after Bryan’s affairs and has his ashes ready to be placed into the sea at one of his favorite places in Queensland. The funeral is paid for. The little dog has finally stopped looking for him every time mum comes home.
Mum had to go and get surgery on her gall bladder. She attended hospital but they would not let her stay as they found something suspicious with her heart. She went in today and had the angio gram. They found six blockages. Because of her age or her gall bladder they cannot stint it and so she has to have open heart surgery as fast as they can get her a bed. I can feel the bits fall together with a loud click, That niggling fear that wasn’t something of mine. That huge sense of impending nastiness. It has arrived!
Mum collapsed during the celebration of my fiftieth birthday back in 2007. It was hot and she pulled together a family gathering despite everyone wanting to do something different. She flew thousands of kilometers and drove hundreds and she toppled over during lunch. We brought her back. I drove the car into the picnic area and parked it beside the table. The others lifted her into the car and we ran the air conditioning and cooled her with ice water until her pulse steadied and she came to. It was a decision to call an ambulance or not but the ambulance would have arrived after we had her stabilized and then her miserable day would have been spent in hospital and that would have worried her more as she wanted to be with her handicapped son on his birthday. When she was home in Queensland she went to the doctor and was told she had a little heart problem. She had a few problems over the next seven years. Some of her health problems were very painful and difficult. She cared for Bryan as he spiraled into dementia, type-one diabetes and serious illness. She worked to keep the house clean and him safe until she collapsed, not once but several times. Each time they found a little problem with her heart which they medicated and told her it was alright. That is what happened to me. At Gosford they told me I had a serious heart problem and even gave me nitro. The next time I was taken to Wyong and they told me I was making it up and made me leave. By the time someone with any skill thought to look for it I was dying. Now Mum goes to hospital and gets the angio I think should have been taken years ago and she faces painful and serious surgery. I feel horrified, mortified and very, very lost
I was ranting on the 27Mhz radio and then the UHF CB tonight and one of the older radio guys came on and chatted with me for a while. He is very much a gentleman and very badly did not want to be dragged into my painful world when he has his own. I cannot help it. I am here in pain and have been ill all week and the medications all throw my emotional state out of gear. I was embarrassed that it had to be him who answered because I am sure he thought some of my anger and dismay were aimed at him when it was just anger and of all the people I would wish to be facing me at that moment he is one of those who doesn’t deserve it. I guess that is the way. I could not help myself. I feel like I am going to explode with something that has too many personalities to give it a name like fear, horror, anger, loss, resentment. . My mum has been all that I have had to keep me anchored in reality for years now.
I am uncertain about the radios. The hardware store has been closed a month or so now and I need it for simple things like rolls of electrical wire, pvc pipe and fittings to make masts. I don’t always know what sizes to get or other factors and the internet is not a way to find those things. I had depended on buying a flagpole which was available online but that company disappeared all together and who ever made it before must also have gone. There doesn’t seem to be an easy replacement. I need to get a wire up twenty feet or so to get the home made antenna to work and something larger is needed to mount the good antenna on so I can get a signal out of here. That loss of the flagpole option makes my plans just evaporate with fewer and fewer chances of a good outcome. The declining potential of living in Australia as everything moves overseas and only items which are big sellers remain in the marketplace. Declining quality of life as well. That leaves me stuck and uncertain about going further. 
There was an amazing spider when I went out with a camera the other night. It was a green huntsman spider with reddish legs. The experts I have asked about it tell me it is probably a species no one has ever seen before. It is a very beautiful little creature as you can see.
I have not been in here much. I did not know what to say. There are a few more things I should cover here but I guess this will do
Next Morning.
I am in deep doo doo. The stress has started my heart in serious decline and I have all the symptoms of a heart attack. I emailed everyone I could think of and Aged and Disability Support Services called me at 8:30 and tried to get me into an ambulance. I have refused that, The last two heart attacks at least the department head at Wyong Hospital treated me like I was trying to get free drugs and believe me, if there is ever going to be stress that will kill you then it will happen when you are treated like dirt while you are that ill. I asked why he did that when it was so obvious that I wasn’t seeking drugs and he told me “Once a junkie always a junkie” as though my self medicating years back had not been a reaction to serious pain. I have told the family I am fighting for my life and I have apologised that it happens right now when we need all our strength for mum. I love them all very much and I have the most wonderful online friends but I need to get showered and dressed. I have medicated heavily although wisely (I hope) Half a Valium, Half an endone and some other light pain meds. I could take a lot more but that would only justify that bastard at Wyong’s comments. Now it is serious and I have to get showered. I may not make it to the clinic this is a very sound heart attack happening here. Sorry, too ill to edit, I shouldnt have done this much